Thursday, December 16, 2010

Idiot


I used to be so smart,
I could wrap my head around every theory and equation,
Now I seem to have been left behind,
Coughing on the dust of their success
Everything important passed me by,
And I was too lazy to grab it
Am I stupid or are they just getting smarter?
Will I ever get smarter too,
Or am I just to remain an idiot?
What do I do now?

Flipside


Have you ever felt so ignored,
That it's like you're sinking into the wall?
Have you ever felt so surrounded,
It's like you're drowning in people?
Have you ever felt so sad,
That you can't even cry?
Have you ever felt so happy,
That you can't help but smile?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Satan's Flight


Where the eerie glow,
Meets the black cosmos
A celestial light,
Halted by the impenetrable darkness
Satan flies, a true deceiver to his previous name,
Struggling as a diver in thick mud,
In the empty air of the infinite ether
He meets his relief as his dark soul pierces the holy light
And he gains entrance through the gates of heaven,
So that he may wreck more chaos and havoc upon God’s favorites,
And carry out the ultimate revenge through his sinful crimes

Monday, November 22, 2010

Scared


I'm scared
They said it wouldn't change her,
But what if it does?
What if she forgets everything,
Not just the short term stuff?
What if she forgets us?
What is she forgets those rainy days,
And the boats,
Made from the leaves,
That mommy couldn't touch,
That way,
She couldn't ruin our fun.
What if she forgets about
Chasing Garett with the Barbie,
Or seeing who could swing higher?
What if she forgets she even has a sister?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Never Ending


This crazy shit,
It never seems to end,
Every day,
Something new and terrible,
More terrible than the last terrible thing,
Comes up

Why does she insist on torturing us so?
Why does she have to get all the attention,
She can possibly get.
I'm forced to do what I always do,
Hide myself,
So she can get better.
At least for a little while.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Fear of Loneliness


I'm scared of being alone,
It's my worst fear,
My scariest nightmare,
And my most terrfiying realization.
Some days,
I'm alone.
On others,
I'm surrounded.
Then there are days where everything is perfect,
Where everyone is there,
Right when I want them to be.
But those rarely happen.

Open Sea


Do I stay in the familiar place?
Where the rocks have been smoothed,
By the constant tides,
Where life is delicate and plentiful?
Or do I swim out,
To the open sea,
Where questions and answers await,
Where I can discover,
Ad learn?
Do I want to risk leaving,
When I know I won't be able to come back?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Ruined World


What do you do,
When the world stops believin in you?
What do you do,
When living isn't enough?
What do you do,
When you are too sad to blink,
When you are scared the world will crumble and fall,
And you will miss because you blinked.
What do you do,
When no one trusts you,
And you trust no one?
What do you do,
When your life is in ruins,
And no one is listening?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My Other Blog

http://daydreamingatnight4444.blogspot.com/

Friday, October 15, 2010

Silly Girl


Silly girl,
Your ass belongs in the toilet,
Not your head.
You don't see yourself clearly
I used to think you were so beautiful
I was jealous
Then you starting looking like a skeleton
And I became disgusted
People notice.
You wonder why guys dont flirt with you,
It's because you look so thin
I wish you could see it the way I do,
You silly girl

Burning Match


Like a burning match,
Everything dies out,
When it reaches your fingers,
It burns

When it just starts out,
It's exciting and new
Until it hurts you

Emotion Martini


Nothing describes the way I'm feeling.
I've tried them all.
Empty.
Helpless.
Immature.
Useless.
Depressed.
Suicidal.
Unwanted.
Unloved.
Confused.
Lost.
Angry.
Hormonal.
Sad.
Anxious.
Ugly.
Not a single one can describe my feelings.
Mix them all up,
Make an emotion martini.
Shake it up
Throw in an olive
Add some random confidence.
Is it normal?
I can't feel this many things.
I feel sick.
I feel like exploding.
I feel like dying.
I feel like running.
What if I ran?
How far could I get?
Where would I go?
Would I be happier there?
Probably.
Is this depressing?
Yes.
Is this helping me?
Sort of.
Is this confusing me?
A little.
Is this some what pointless?
Of course.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Plunge Into Life


Life as we know it is over
But the way to the end is unclear
Take a plunge into the bliss of life,
Let it grab you and hold you tight
We don't have very long here,
So take advantage of me, dear.
I don't want to wait,
For life to stop for me
So let's run for it,
And go back to the start line,
Before it gets us
I refuse to be caught,
I won't go without a fight,
Let's run for it and plunge into life.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Stripping


I'm stripping down,
Completely unleashing,
This is me,
This is where you can hear me,
Feel me,
Taste me.
You won't get this real me anywhere else.
I don't let you see the real me,
Unless I've given you the key,
In order to find me.
If you are one of the lucky few,
Who have been here,
And seen my fears,
Envies,
Loves,
Joys,
Losses,
And anger
Don't tell anyone,
Because this is where I'm stripped bare,
And I can't afford to lose this place,
I'll go out of my mind
If I haven't already

If You Won't.....


If you won't love me,
If you won't open up to me,
If you won't let me open up to you,
If you won't hold me until the dark things go away,
If you won't wait,
If you won't accept I want conversation too,
If you won't be yourself with me,
Then you might just want to give up now.

Fear


I fear the things I love
I fear them because they can hurt me
Anything can hurt me physically
But only the things I love
Can tear me down.

Handing Over My Heart


I need to stop,
Handing my heart
To everyone I meet,
They can hurt me
They can break me
Or they could love me
But they never do
So why haven't I learned yet,
Not to hand my heart to just anybody.
You can read this,
But please,
Don't use my feelings and thoughts,
To hurt me like they did.

Can You Remember the Old Me Instead?


I have no way to express myself right now.
I can't write.
I can't even finish whatever the hell I was starting to say.
What is wrong with me?
This is what I'm good at
Why can't I do the one thing I'm good at?
What the hell did this weekend do to me?
I'm a bitch.
I'm a rebel.
I shouldn't be.
I'm driving everyone away.
Best friend, if you read this,
I'm sorry.
We just fought and I was being a bitch.
It was my fault.
I don't want to lose you too.
Anyone else reading this,
Pretend you didn't
You don't know the real me.
You shouldn't know the real me.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Six Feet Under


In a sea of black,
Grey stands out
Matching sweats
Not a tear
Not a whimper
Not from him
As the man who taught him everything
Was lowered into the ground
He didn't shed a single tear
His lip never trembled
And his voice never cracked
At only ten years old
He was the strongest man in the world

He still returns
Now many years later
To talk to his dad,
Six feet under

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I Want You


If you knew I had this,
Would you love me?
If you knew that I want you,
Would you want me too?
If you knew about him,
Would you lose interest?
Did you know that I think
That I like you?
I hope you figure it out soon
Because I'm not good at waiting
At all

I want you.
I want to try you
I want to taste you
I want to see what you are like
I want to see how good you are

I want you

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The E-mail


Who knew that one little e-mail,
A few words,
Could repair so much?
Who knew an e-mail could re-connect,
A torn family?
By taking a step,
A step they told me not to take,
I found him.
I found my cousin.
And uncle
And aunt
And soon-to-be cousin in-law
I am relieved.
And scared.
Who knows what will happen a year from now
But who cares?
For now, we are on the way
To repairing all the wrongs

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Not Happy, Comfortable


A world of white
So good,
So soft,
So warm,
So enticing
Not happy here
Not happy anywhere
But comfortable
Yes, very comfortable

Encasing,
Smothering,
Controlling,
Resticting,
Hot,
Itchy
Not happy here
And not comfortable
R.U.N.

Unhappy,
Sad,
Depressed,
Confused,
Befuddled,
Heartbroken,
Deperate,
Lonely

Not happy here
But comfortable

Nothing to Lose, Everything to Give


I lie in a world,
Filled with comfort
But comfort and hapiness
Are not the same
Someone in the middle of
A torn country
With nothing but a mat
To sleep on
May be happier than me
Of course, it doesn't take much
To smile more genuinely than me
I'm not happy
I've never been truly happy
Except for that one week
When I had him.
Now I have nothing.
Bothing satisfies me the way it should
I should be happy
But I just can't be
I don't know why not
I've tried
But I can't seem to smile
Like that one person with nothing to lose
And everything to give

Friday, October 1, 2010

Dirty Little Secret


I have so many skeletons,
Stuffed in the closet
No one knows half the secrets I have
And they aren't even all about me
Point is, I know way to much
I don't want to know so much
But I do
I'm not sure I like knowing
Those little things
That people don't share
Only because then I have to help keep
Them secrets
God know I'm good at that though
So come on over, I won't tell a soul,
And tell me all of your
Dirty little secrets

Angry


Today, I feel angry
I'm angry because he doesn't love me,
I'm angry because I didn't get a job,
I'm angry because it's too damn hot,
I'm angry because the only person I love,
Is the one person I can't have
I'm angry because my grades suck
I'm angry because I can't love him
I'm angry because the guy I could learn to love,
Brought the guy I can't love up today,
And I'm angry that things never go as planned
So I drank.
I'm angry about that too
I'm not supposed to do that,
I promised myself not to.
I know what happens to girls in my family,
When we start to rely on drinking.
I'm angry because I know I'll end up
Like all the others.
I don't want to be like them.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Liar


I lie as easily
As you breath
I'm damn good at it
You can't deny that
Tell me that when you see me smile,
You think it's fake, even for a second
No, you don't
Because I'm just that good
Tell me when you see me cough
You think I'm sick
Because that's exactly what you think
You never guess that my voice is raspy
Because she crushed my windpipe
You don't see bruises
Because I'm good with makeup
I'm the world's best liar,
The universe is my stage,
Everyone is my audience
I trick you all

Life is a Poem


Life can be made a poem
As easily as words can be sung
Every line is a moment,
A day,
A minute,
A breath
Every verse is a week,
A month,
A year
Every word takes you
To a time and place
In the past
Or the future
Where you have never been before
Or have visited too often
Life is a poem that can lead you anywhere
You want, or don't want, to go

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Crying


There's many different ways to cry.
I've discovered that over the years.
First, there's crying when you're tired.
It makes you hiccup.

Then, there's crying when there is so much grief,
You can't move.
You don't even make noise.

After that comes bubbling.
It's a very wet sob, like a broken fountain.

Then comes the crying where you are so angry,
You just break down.
You stop speaking right, you try, but you can't

Also, there's the crying that lasts for hours.
Small tears, usually brought on by heartbreak.

There is also hormonal crying,
When you have no reason but you cry anyway.

Then there is the worst of all.
The crying where everything builds up,
Then suddenly, the flood comes.
It's short but painful.
Your chest contracts and heaves
And you have to catch your breath.

I just discovered that kind of crying.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Tonight Belongs to Them


The full moon can't even attempt to uncover their stealth, lethal forms as their snow battered paws fly over the lightly powdered ground. Slinking forward, the Female joins the Alpha Male in an unearthly cry, howling to the stars and heavens above. Lifting their shapely heads, the rest of the pack join in. Tonight belongs to them.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Waves


Every time a swell rose,
My stomach dropped
A tear fell from my eye
Every time the boat rocked
My knuckles turned white,
From grabbing that gray sweater
And my tears made it darker
I have felt fear before
But this was shear terror
The un-ease I felt
Scared me all the way to Hell and back
I couldn't stand it
I can't stand it
I prayed to Poseidon
But he didn't help me
I don't like that I'm bruised
I don't like that I hurt all over
From when the boat's hull crashed
Back into the water
And knocked the bag off with it
Right onto me
I told people I hit myself in my sleep
But really, it was the bag
From when it landed on me
As the boat tried to right itself

Don't ever make me go back.
Please.

The Path


I don't like that the path
Was chosen for me
I want to make my own path
A more beautiful one
One that makes me happy
Instead of pleasing them
I want to make a path
Out of here
I want to make a path
That will take me to Heaven
Instead of back to Hell
I want the soft, white wings
Of an angel
When I die
So that I can say,
I did something right
In my life

Can't Stop Wishing


I can't stop wishing
That this was all a dream
That I will wake up again
A year ago
and be happy
I can't stop wishing I hadn't done things
That I did
I can't stop wishing I had wings
So I could leave this awful place
and feel that moment of free fall
When the whole world
Just drops away
And it's just you
And the sky
And the air
And wind
And birds
I can't stop wishing I could spread my wings
And take off into the night sky
Like a shooting star

Monday, September 13, 2010

Won't be Happy


I know she's still awake
I can hear her rustling
I know what shes waiting for
She waits for my lights to go off
So she can release
Into that white, porcelain bowl
So she can fade away
Till shes skinny enough
To slip through the wood floors
But even then,
She won't be happy

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Hold it all Together


I'm sick of being the one
Who holds this all together
I'm sick of being the one
Who sweeps up all the pieces
And glues them on again
I can't be the stable one anymore
Not when I'm falling apart inside
I'm shattering in here
And no one notices,
They are all too focused on their lives
Not even him
Sometimes he talks to me and listens
While I cry and he acts like he used to
But other times, he pretends he didn't get my text
Or doesn't listen well enough
And nobody seems to get this crazy world
But me
Why can't anybody else see that its so pointless
To fight the way they do?
And I'm running out of glue,
To hold it all together

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I Remember


I was only in first grade
But I remember
I remember hiding behind the couch
While my nanny watched the news
And cried
I remember sitting in class
When the principal came in
And told us
I remember my parents
Sobbing when they heard
And I remember that my uncle
Could have been there
And in a world of ash
We walked, hand in hand
Staying strong and standing high
In a world of ash,
We remember

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Hold My Hand


Hold my hand and you won't be afraid,
We can fight these beasts any day
Because when we are together,
We make such a power
That only sisters can have

Hold my hand and you won't be afraid,
Because I can fight those off for you
In this world I can do anything,
Which means you will be all better

So hold my hand so you won't be afraid,
While I try and find a way to get there,
Because holding my hand is as real as it gets,
When all we have left now are moments

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Wrong Person


It should have been me,
Who got sick.
Not her.
She is worth so much more,
To this world.
She offers so much more potential
Than me.
I fail in classes,
She got straight A's
Until that day.
I party and drink and make out,
She is committed to him,
I'm lazy,
She strives.

I want to switch it around,
So that she can help the world.

Magic Key


I want there to be a key,
That can open her mind
So that I can reach in
And scoop out the bad,
And put back in the good

Like her genius,
God, she was so fucking smart
She was always the wonder-child
I was always the stupid one

I want to take out the bad,
That little demonic bug in there,
Pulling all those wires
And twisting them up

I want to actually be able to help
I want that magic key
I love her too much to watch her fall,
Need her too much.
I need to do something.

Wishes


I wish all the pain I experience was physical.
Anything is better than this feeling of pure loss,
Like I'm being torn from the inside out,
Like a demon is clawing away at my insides
If it were physical pain,
I would be able to fight it.

I wish that he gave me love,
Not just the little shivers of lust
I want conversation, not his hands

I wish that she was better

I wish that everything wasn't so damn hard

I wish that people would notice,
When I hurt

I wish that a single one of these,
Will come true.
But what's the use of wishing?

Monday, August 30, 2010

Who Are You?


"Who are you?"

"What a silly question, I'm your sister."

"I know that but WHO are you?"

"I'm your sister. Just like I was last time you asked."

"Are you really? Time is so confusing to me. Some things change in seconds so I figured maybe you weren't my sister anymore."

"That's strange. Hm....maybe I'm not your sister."

"Maybe you aren't. You are very different than what I remember you being like."

"Am I? Funny, I don't feel very different."

"Perhaps you aren't feeling hard enough?"

"Perhaps. Let me concentrate."

"Alright...............wait, I have a better idea. Only my sister would know that answer to this question. What is the worst word of all?"

"I haven't the slightest idea. 'Fuck' maybe?"

"No, the worst word is smog. I suppose you aren't my sister then."

"Well, logically, I wouldn't be if I did not know the answer to the question that only your sister would know."

"Yes, logically."

Wake Up


It's nice here,
We are together,
Under the trees
By the shore
Whispering sweet nothings
And holding hands
There is no judging here
I say what I want to say
And be who I want to be
And you still love me
We kiss
And smile
And laugh
And talk
And hold hands
And walk

With you we can be silent
And still be comfortable
With you, I feel like my chest
Is too small for my heart
You make me feel warm,
And tingly.

Then I wake up.

Burning Embers


Burning embers that glow in my chest
They control me
Make me feel warm, and good
Or burnt out, aching and painful
Those damned burning embers
I can't seem to control them
They build up the pain so intense
I squeeze my eyes
To keep the tears inside
But it doesn't work
And I shake and shiver
And my body spasms with the pain
Of those burning embers

Every time something bad happens
Another gets added
And now I have a roaring fire in my chest
And I can't put it out
And they wont turn to ash
And it's burning through
And I can't handle it
I can't handle it
I'm dying a little each day
I'm not me anymore

No one understands
But I can't tell either
The burning embers won't let me function
Or be strong
Or live life to the fullest
I can't go back and see
All the people I have hurt
I can't go back and pretend
That those burning embers are nothing
When I'm too tired to fight back anymore

Dreaming


When I'm with you,
It means I'm dreaming
Because I know I can't have you
In real life
When I'm with you, everything is right
In this crazy, fucked up world.
I wish I had your comfortable presence
All the time
But I can only wish
And hope
And dream

And when the dream is over
And I wake up, I cry
Because I don't have you here
But I have you there
So I sleep
And wait all day,
Anxious to see you again
While in the meantime,
I go to the theater with him
And let him grab my ass
And stick his tongue in my mouth
Because I know that soon,
Oh so very soon
I will see you
In my dreams
And I wish that I were always
DREAMING

Friday, August 20, 2010

Beyond Caring


What am I supposed to do,
When nothing makes any sense
When my parents start to cry
And the puppy starts to bark
And my sister keeps falling

I'm beyond caring

I used to cry my eyes out all night
Now i just sit in silence
I can't understand
What else I'm supposed to do
I can't tell him,
Too many people know already
And I don't think he really cares
I can't keep telling her,
She has problems of her own now

Everything is falling apart
And I can't keep gluing it together

Friday, August 13, 2010

Walking Away From Everything


Today is the day I question reality
I question dreams
And what is real or part of my imagination
Was it all a dream?
Were the happiest moments of my life all in my head?
Or is this hell the dream?
Or nightmare?
I want to look into the bowl of colors
Only to sit up and gaze into the brown swirl
Every morning
Like I do there
But here I'm alone
With everything that is less than amazing
With red dots and flaming hair
I feel like a part of me is missing
And I can't find it.
Or it doesn't want to find me

To say he loved me was cruel
To say that there was no reason was evil
To say it was a mistake was harsh
But to look at me like that is a torture so profound,
That my heart cat bear much more

I'm lonely here on this ice planet
Where I question reality
And walk away from everything

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Darkness Inside


There is a darkness inside
Me, you, everyone
We don't like to talk about it
But it's there
It connects us,
In a constant flow of understanding
We know when someone's eyes
Darken
We know when they tense
We know because we do it too
At least I know I do
There is a darkness inside
And there is no escaping it
It's just......there
Just like your heartbeat
Or the air in your lungs
It is a part of us all

Empty Doors and Dinosaurs


Endless, endless
Never stopping
Always singing
Always talking
Always dancing
Always moving
Never sitting
Never sleeping
Never stopping
Always walking

She never stops,
Her mind never rests
Never makes sense
Always resets

I cant make sense
Of this big mess
With dinosaurs and pills
I can't control
What happens here
It always works
Just like I fear
She never sleeps,
Or eats
Or dreams
She never waits
Or sits
Or leans.

Always moving never stopping
Always singing never talking
Always speaks of dinosaurs
When all there is is empty doors

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Other Side of Nothing


I'm on the other side of nothing,
Floating in nothing,
Feeling nothing,
Totally numb to the world
This other side of nothing is nice,
Nothing in general is not
Nothing hurts
Nothing aches
Nothing builds up inside,
Making you want to cry
I like this other side of nothing
Its like glass,
Crystal clear and smooth
Without the sharp, jagged edges
That cut and stain red
Its like water in a pond,
Gentle, easy, loving
As it laps at your sides
Smoothly and peacefully
Shes stuck on the jagged side of nothing
I want to pull her over here though,
To the other side of nothing

Monday, July 5, 2010

Dear God


Dear God,
I never believed in you
As much as I wanted to
I never did
But lately I have found
That I look at the sky
When I seek answers
Why is that?
Why is it that I put my trust
In people who can't possibly exist?
Am I really supposed to believe
That there is a big guy
Controlling everything?
I wish I could
But I can't
I wish I could believe in you
So I don't feel so alone
But I can't
Sincerely, Me

Complicated


I almost died again today
Most important word there is "again"
Why is it always me?
Why can't one of those perfect,
Beautiful people have these problems?
And even though some part of me knows,
That they have issues too,
I'm still jealous.
And I'm still alone.
And I know everyone says that
At one point or another
And I know I'm lucky
I have a family.
Not a healthy happy one but still
I can't really even blame her for this
Even though I want to
Because really, the arguing
And the anger and fear
Isn't all her fault
Her recent tragedies have definitely contributed
But they didn't cause this
She can't help herself
Not when she swings so much
She can't control shit in her own life now
And I pity her
And I feel bad about pitying her

God, why the fuck is life so complicated?

Friday, July 2, 2010

We Were Meant to Fly


They say water crushes you
But really, I feel like I'm
F.L.O.A.T.I.N.G.
I feel
F.R.E.E.
for the first time.
They say air is empty
But it's really like my
P.I.L.L.O.W.
They say people were meant
To stay grounded
Not to
S.O.A.R.
above the clouds
But I say,
We were meant to
F.L.Y.