Cancer

Cancer;
Such a menacing word.
A word that possibly describes me?
What will I do,
If it comes back a yes?
What will I do?
Even if it's minor,
I'm still terrified.
I'm the kind of lucky,
Where that 10% means the world

I'm scared.

Strip Me Down

Strip me down,
Rip off my hide,
Leave me out to tan,
In the ink blotted sun,
Hanging bare,
Wet and new,
Alone

Take away all the comforts,
Of an effortless reality,
And see what is left,
Of the one you used to love
Because I am not her,
She is not me
We are separate

Taken out of this big
Empty world,
Like a newborn child,
Breathing its life in,
You are sucking it out
All the air on this planet,
Gone

Hapiness in a Letter

Happiness doesn't rely on a letter,
Some silly ink dot,
On a stained white paper,
Crisp and clean and out to ruin your life.
Such trivial things like going out can rely on it,
But you cannot place a limit on how much happiness you are allowed
They take away everything,
And for what?
Because I'm fucking my life up.
What do they care?
Its not like they want me here,
She just went far enough to tell me to move out

Happiness is something we all deserve,
Sinners or choir boys,
Lovers or war mongers,
We all deserve that joy,
Of having something to turn to,
Even when the path is as dark as this.
If anything, happiness should be awarded for lower letters,
Because its difficult to keep faith in hope,
When most that is good starts to leave.

When I Miss You

We say back and forth,
Repetitions of I miss you,
I love you,
I can't live without you by my side
But I don't believe you
If you missed me,
You would have come back,
After that awful night,
Which started with me crying on the floor,
And ended with me crying in bed, naked,
Huddling into the sheets,
Hoping if I press hard enough,
Maybe I'll dissipate
I know that scared you
Even though you held me,
And wiped away my tears with gentle kisses,
You were worried,
That in my attempt to hide from the world,
You would be pushed away too
And so you've been avoiding me,
You still text and make kissy faces,
But you never come over anymore,
Or watch a movie with me
All you do is hide,
Behind those beautiful 'Miss You's

Endlessly Sick of it All

Endless rushes of rivers,
Streaming by, never stopping,
Endless, endless, the torture goes on,
The same room,
The same people,
The same putrid smell,
The same constant beep,
The same continuous drip,
The same excuses
It never breaks from this routine,
Maybe we are lucky enough to get a break,
For longer than two months next time,
Before she back,
Lying in that stupid,
Goddamned,
Fucking,
Hospital bed.

Teardrops on the Floor

Secrets are spilling out,
And before I can help it,
I'm being honest

You make me see,
The evil in my ways,
And feel the pain

I've been keeping it down for so long,
That I'm immune to hurt,
But your making me feel again

Sometimes, like tonight, the feel is not good,
But in the end,
You have helped me

And though there may be teardrops on my floor,
And mascara on my face,
You have helped to catch me, before I fall

Somebody Save Me

Somebody, save me from the horrors of my own life,
Keep me floating even when I'm weighed down,
Keep me breathing even when I don't want to
Keep me sane when I'm loosing my mind

I need someone to keep me grounded on those days,
When all I can do is fly away,
Out of my body and mind,
Out of this world until I dissapear

Spinning, spinning out of control,
Slowly wasting away my mind,
All the pictures flashing by,
Images of all my past blunders

I can't get away from this walking nightmare,
All the mistakes I have made,
Laid out for the world to see and read,
While I sit by the bed and pray for somebody to save me

Torn

I'm torn between the edges,
Of my frayed imagination,
I continue to devise wonderful schemes,
As a way to tell you the truth,
But everytime, a lose string unravels,
And all the work comes floating down

I almost stormed in today,
Angry at father for not trusting me,
To know when I need help,
And I almost told you
But as soon as I threw the door open,
I knew; the moment was not right

I want to tell you so bad,
I can tell complete strangers,
But as soon as your around,
I make sure my sleeves are down and my socks are up
Because I'm so damn ashamed
How are you going to react when you know your daughter hurts herself?

What Do You Want From Me?

I need you right now,
I need your help understanding everything,
Understanding my feelings,
And emotions,
But you aren't here

You didn't sign up for this,
I know that
But you did say the deadly word,
Relationship
And that word comes with strings attached

You claimed you didn't want a random hook-up,
But it seems now,
That you wanted nothing more,
Than exactly that
And now you have left me alone

It may not be a big deal for you anymore,
But I am still a virgin,
And every new thing that is introduced,
Is huge for me
And you introduced something massive

Then you ditched me
I'm trying to figure you out;
Was it her?
Was it me?
Was it you?

You left so many questions,
And no answers
And while your smell continues clinging,
My heart keeps on weeping,
For it is not love, but lust I feel

And you have left me unsated
And you left me with a hiatus,
Which may never end
So tell me now,
What do you want from me?

Toxic

I'm a tiny minnow, struggling against the powerful current
And I'm all alone.
My friends and school are gone,
My sanity is becoming lost,
I'm becoming lost
They make me lose myself,
And be someone I'm not

He makes me do things I would never normally do,
And he makes it feel good,
Like it's right,
And expected
Then he leaves,
And forgets I exist

Sometimes I forget I exist
When I'm sitting below those quivering trees,
Surrounded by strangers,
Refusing food because I am too scared to eat here,
I feel more alone than I would feel if I were the only person left

People do not notice the lonely girl like I thought they would,
They ignore her
Ignoring is so much worse than making fun of her
I feel alone,
And the one person who I thought would be here,
Leaves me after I let him touch me,
Almost like I am toxic,
And bad thing that should not be allowed to spread

Rabbit Hole

Falling down a rabbit hole,
Deeper and deeper I must go,
At the bottom,
When I reach the blood red lake,
And I create splashes when I fall in,
I finally feel ok again
But then I must crawl out,
Climb slowly up those walls,
Slipping and sliding,
Struggling for a hold
Only to fall again,
As soon as I reach the top