Give Me Your Emotions

Is she still my sister?
She doesn't act like it
She tries to die now
She takes too many pills
And ends up in the hospital
Like tonight
My parents are both scared out of
Their minds
And I feel it rolling off of them
The Fear,
Hate,
Anger,
Wonder,
Worry

It hits me like a wave
I feel emotions so closely
That they affect me too
And I influence emotion
I make them relax
And stop worrying
And I absorb the bad things
And keep them in for me
So that they will be free

Puppy Time

As I sit here,
Watching,
Waiting,
Listening
She strains,
Her belly heaves
Will this ever end?
A small scream escapes her lips
She whimpers with final heave
Black and grey fur glistening
All she has to do now is lick it clean

The Unknowns

We are just reflections of ourselves,
Temporarily important,
Until we dissipate
And no one remembers we were there
Except for the surface
On which we were reflected
And it too yearns to be remembered
As the place that held so many people
On it
So this is to the unknowns
Who will always be on the surface,
While we reflections pass on by

Frozen Rain

Nothing holds rain back,
It falls without regret,
It flows endlessly
In streams of water,
Trickling down my face,
Through my fingers,
Soaking my hair and clothes
There is no pause button for it,
Even in photographs in blurs past,
Unstoppable,
Untameable,
Unattainable

So why then is my rain frozen?

Blue Lips

I see the bottle,
Hanging,
Empty,
Swinging
In your hand
I scream
I'm furious.
"Why the FUCK would you do
something THAT stupid?!"
I've never been so mad
My brow furrows so much
That my head starts to pound
And ache.
I've never been so scared
Why would she drink that?
Why would she want
To die?

Another Minute

Since I told all you non-existent followers that I would tell you about my sister, I'm going to keep my promise.

My sister is 18 years old as of June 8th and she is one of those rare cases of level one bipolar. All of her mental health problems started when she was just starting high school and they showed themselves as bulimia which we later figured out is the least of her problems. More recently, this winter, she was admitted into BHC Alhambra, a mental hospital. The hospitalization was for her bulimia and while there, they tried out numerous meds and doctors. Nothing worked for either problem. In order to attend this hospital, she was forced to miss a lot of school. four weeks of it. And despite promises that her spot on the enrollment list as a second semester senior would still be there when she returned, she was kicked out of school upon arrival. Granted, she was kicked out because she threatened to harm herself. So when she got back home that day, she was so deep down into the depression and hadn't had a party with the mania recently that she really did try to hurt herself. Did any of you see or read Shutter Island? Well, what Teddy's wife had is what my sister has. It's also called manic depression. If any of you non-existent people are fourteen year olds with older siblings then you understand how I feel when I say, they are your role models. You look up to them in times of need and you expect them to always have unconditional love for you.

My sister doesn't.

Not all the time anyway. I need to always be ready for a swing in another direction with her.

It's especially hard because I'm so moody as well being a teenage girl and all. They put her on Lithium for a while but she didn't like it because it causes weight gain so she took herself off of it. Recently, they put her on some new drug I don't know the name of and she just took herself off of that too just two days ago. Her reasoning? Bad dreams. She just doesn't seem to understand that every night I get the worst, most vivid dreams of all the ways she could kill herself or hurt other people. Every minute she isn't on medication is another minute of pain, hurt, and fear.

Every minute is what counts.

To Never Find Out

Tumbling through the air,
So free,
So lucky

I can only imagine
What it is like to be airborne
To feel nothing under you
To do cartwheels through the sky

I can only imagine
How it feels
To be completely without limitations
Not even the sky is the limit

I wish I knew what that feels like
But for now,
It's for the birds to know
And me to never find out

I Wish I Could

The need to run away, to be free is overwhelming. I cant stand this anymore,

I can't watch her waste away, a prisoner to her own mind.

I see her, playing with the yarn, fiddling with the pages of the book I wrote, the book she will never read, and I feel sad, desperate.

I wish I could save her, wish I had the key to the cell in her mind.

I wish I could just fly away, leave it all behind. Feel the air play on my skin, dance between the tiny hairs, wash it all away, see the ground thousands of feet below and feel safe.

But I can't.

No One Can Know

I need to cry, I need to let it go,
But if I cry then they will know,
About her, about me, about everything
I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone,
And I need to keep that promise,
'Cause if I don't then I will have betrayed her,
More than I already have

So no matter how much pain,
And anger,
Is boiling inside,

No one can know.

Just getting started....

I'm just getting started here and I have NO idea how to blog so I'm gonna try and give it a shot....

I was going to start this whole thing as a place to put up my writing like my poems and short stories and I still will every now and then but one thing I have noticed about poems; it's nicer to read if you know the background story. So I am going to tell you about the happy times, the traumas, the mysteries, and the stories before and once I get a follower or something,I will think about posting some poems.

The most recent event worth telling about in my life was y recent break-up. Now I'm not going to go on and on about how heartbroken I am and how I miss him soooo much. Partly cause I don't. Also partly because as much as I want to, I HATE it when other people do. I'm not saying I'm not a hypocrite. I am. We all are. We as a human race are all hypocrites. I just try and suppress the hypocritical part of me. I'm not sure who ended the relationship really, it just got to the point that was beyond avoiding. I ignored him, beat him down, avoided him, was ride to him and just plain got him to hate me through the last month of our relationship. I have no idea what made me do it, I just did. I tell people I was scared of him and they buy it, he was a big guy. But really what started the whole thing was I just flinched when he touched me. I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't even realize I was doing it until the time after that when he came up for a hug and I did it again. It might have been the whole grabbing me and not letting me go until I "gave him a kiss" but really, I think it was just my subconscious telling me to get the hell away from him. I don't like what I did. I feel bad. No matter how huge and threatening he is, he's still really a great guy. Kid of like a teddy bear honestly. Despite my age I posted, I'm only 14 and 14 year old girls tend to get hung up on guys worse than they do when they are older. I like to think I'm more mature or something, but, in reality, I'm just the same as the rest.

The break-up just added on to the drama in my life and maybe next time I post, I'll get to my sister and her recent mental status and hospitalization and everything. In fact, I'm even going to post a poem and the post after that will explain it.

It's funny, I never realized how much easier it is to write when you know no one is watching.